mercoledì, luglio 20, 2005
i am angry. with a lot of things, mainly people and their attitudes. i am getting angry with myself as well, for expecting certain things from others, especially of my friends. it brings to mind what many horoscopes say of the aquarian - they have such high expectations of themselves and their friends that they end up isolating themselves in this 'ivory tower'.i am getting tired of putting in what i put in for friends, especially certain friends whom i see as loyal/trustworthy/admirable/honourable... and so on. it just isn't worth it. you do a little extra, yet, most of them won't do the same for you. it's a tried and tested theory. so what's wrong? is my judgment of people so bad that i've wrongly classified people who weren't as good as my better friends? or am i expecting too much of them? or should i be scolding myself for expecting others to help me because i had helped them? but isn't the axiom 'do unto others what you wish others to do unto you' what we should all live by??? is it not right for me to expect a little from the friendship? if i'm not to expect anything from the friendship? i'd be far happier helping strangers then.
think i've had quite enough. no one else to depend on but myself. i've always believed this, but never thought it was all THAT cruelly true till now. cannot expect anything of anyone. in fact, i'm not going to be all that GREAT a friend these days. too tired. it's close to the final straw (for certain people), feel free to blame me for being apathetic in the future. i simply won't do anything extra for people who don't see me as a person that mattered enough for them to do something really small for me. i'll do just enough that the r/s remains at an above-civil level... too tired and disappointed to care too much. and then, care so much and get hurt in the process? definitely not worth it.
maybe you'd think i'm selfish, talking like that. erm but haha i never said i wasn't.
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francesca chiu
2 eyebags & 5 wrinkles
on long-term dormicum drip
KIV IMH
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