sabato, settembre 24, 2005
:: a common fate ::
docile, smiling and looking extremely benign, was a frail old lady smiling and nodding away from her bed, seemingly beckoning me towards her. this is quite the common site in any ward (though they might not all be smiling... and lots of them are just sleeping)...
anyway, i'm sure you've all thought about or imagined being old, alone, feeling 'useless' and suffering a loss of dignity... as well as facing death from cancer, in your old age. but nothing beats actually hearing from someone tell you about it... from a first person's perspective.
docile, smiling and looking extremely benign, was a frail old lady smiling and nodding away from her bed, seemingly beckoning me towards her. this is quite the common site in any ward (though they might not all be smiling... and lots of them are just sleeping)...
anyway, i'm sure you've all thought about or imagined being old, alone, feeling 'useless' and suffering a loss of dignity... as well as facing death from cancer, in your old age. but nothing beats actually hearing from someone tell you about it... from a first person's perspective.
~ ~ ~
one cannot be too stubborn, i'm already 80+ years old, i want to leave this world as soon as Buddha allows me to. i know i shouldn't be thinking about dying, and i cannot commit suicide by not eating, so even if i dun feel like eating at all, i will also force myself to eat, one spoon, two spoonfuls... whatever i can. but i'm very tired already, and i feel very useless. i can't do anything for the people around me...
i'm single, took care of all my siblings children.... 4 from... another 2 from... 3 there and 8... then i took in a girl that another family in my kampung didn't want. so now i live with them. my daughter is already 60+ and she whole day goes out with the maid and leaves me at home. no key, i can't even go out or open the door for anyone.
haiz, i wish i can die quickly, i'm so tired and this world does not welcome me any more...
girl ah, when you have time come an visit me more often before i leave this hospital? actually i don't want to go home... i get into their way, and disturb the family...
when one is old, one is really useless and at everyone else's mercy. at home, the maid won't even pour me a cup of water, i have to walk slowly to get it... and i know i have to walk carefully because if i fall i will break my bones and cause more problems for them. but... i don't want to use tongkat! no tongkat!
that day, they asked me to drink 3 big cups of water for the scan, and then i had to wait so long, i felt like bursting... then i told them i needed to go to the toilet, the nurse said ok but left me in the room alone for so long, i couldn't hold back already, so i wet the bed. then they scolded me. haiz... how? you see i can't even take care of myself.
~ ~ ~
it's one thing to know that such things happen and that they are so common, but it's another thing to hear it from the first person's perspective, and worse, to know that it's so true, and such a common unescapable fate. even as i tried to persuade the old woman or to comfort her, both she and i know that all i'm saying are just empty, meaningless words of comfort... there's really nothing anyone can do to help.
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francesca chiu
2 eyebags & 5 wrinkles
on long-term dormicum drip
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1 Comments:
Which is why, I think I'm going to try not living old enough to reach that state. A life without life.
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